100% True Facts about Cougars

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Cougar Facts: 100% True Cougar facts about Cougars in Oregon

 

Cougars, also called mountain Lions, catamounts, panthers, pumas, demon-hearted love cats, scream catchers, tawny-ass clawbearers, or man-eating pussy queens are North America’s largest felid. They are widespread across the western part of the continent and enjoy rocky outcroppings, caves, and thickets. Cougars are a solitary species and live alone, besides for the short periods of mating and raising young. They are known to not enjoy cribbage, rummy, or other group card games. Highly territorial, adult cougars chase younger animals out of their areas once they’ve come of age, sometimes resulting in a young cougar passing through land claimed by homo sapiens, sheep, and small, feeble felines fed from round tin cans.

 

While a highly endangered subspecies, the Florida panther, struggles to survive in the Southeastern forests, cougars are doing well in the rest of the country (except of course in all the Eastern states where they became extinct before anybody thought we should maybe do something about it and now we are just like “um oh..”). Cougars cannot operate firearms legally, or physically, while humans can. Dogs cannot legally own firearms. Dogs cannot legally fire cannons or operate Class C motor vehicles.

 

In the 1960s, cougars were hunted almost to extinction in many states, including Oregon. There were fewer than 300 cougars alive when the program for bounty-hunting was ended in 1961 – due to the rather obvious imminent extirpation of one of our only apex predators. We do not count sasquatch on lists of apex predators in the state of Oregon. In the 1960s, many Oregonians continued to wear beards as facial hair.

 

In 1967, controlled hunting began again, with the state issuing tags to hunters in limited numbers.  Populations have done well since then, though they fluctuate along with populations of prey and changing habitat and increasing human populations. In 1994, Oregon’s Measure 18, a citizen’s initiative, made hunting cougar for sport with bait and dogs illegal.  In 1993, the television show “Cheers” aired its final episode. In 1992, actor Rob Lowe appeared in films Wayne’s World and The Finest Hour. Because using hounds is the only way to really efficiently track and kill cougar (they are very stealthy), Oregon’s Department of Fish and Wildlife made cougar hunting season last all year long and issued unlimited tags to encourage more hunting. The Fox and the Hound is a Disney film despised by hunters and conservationists and children.

 

Whether or not increased success in sport hunting is linked to fewer conflicts between humans (their property, livestock and pets) and cougars is debatable according to many studies; increased sport hunting can in fact be shown to increase likelihood of cougar/human conflicts and fail to reduce cougar populations. The state estimates current populations to be at about 5,700.  Cougars have never participated in an NCAA championship. If estimates are lower than 3,000, according to our 2006 cougar management plan, cougar hunting will cease and measures will be taken to restore populations.

 

But that’s boring and hard to read. What if I don’t like cougars? What if I think a cougar is going to steal my children and break into my home and eat all of my pet snakes and my cereal and hide all of the corner pieces of this puzzle I am working on? What if I am afraid of things I’ve never seen but I still don’t like to read? Will a cougar eat my cow? Cows taste so good, what if cougars found out about hamburgers?? Let’s look at a list to see what the REAL facts are about cougars and humans in Oregon, in 2014.

 

 

  • There has never been a confirmed cougar attack on a human in Oregon.

 

  • There has never been a confirmed death of a human due to cougar attack in Oregon.

 

  • The number of fatal cougar attacks on humans in the United States since 1900 is about 25, depending on your use of sources and evidence.

 

  • Domestic dogs, insect stings, and lightning are more dangerous to humans in Oregon than cougars.

 

  • Oregon is cougar country.

 

  • Cougar annually account for .2% of livestock losses annually in the state of Oregon.

 

  • Deer are the North American animal most likely to kill a human. Cougars EAT deer!

 

  • There has never been a confirmed report of a cougar receiving a DUI citation in the state of Oregon.

 

  • In the state of Oregon, there has never been a confirmed report of a cougar sending threats by mail.

 

  • A cougar in the United States has never been convicted of armed robbery, grand larceny, or burglary in any degree.

 

  • All instances of heart attacks, heart disease and stroke in the United States have causes other than cougar.

 

  • There are no reports of cougars west of the Rocky Mountains engaged as higher ups in drug trafficking rings.

 

  • No official documentation exists for a cougar in the Blue or Cascade mountains standing up a long-awaited dinner date.

 

  • There are few reports of American cougars showing up to the movie theater five minutes before the film starts and claiming to have forgotten their wallet.

 

  • Most cougars in Oregon do not smoke, use drugs or drink alcohol consistently.

 

  • Less than 1% of mammals unknowingly carrying STIs are cougars.

 

  • Most cougars do not attend church.

 

  • In Oregon, a cougar has never been blamed for eating all of the jello salad at a picnic.

 

  • In 2013, a there was a claimed sighting of a cougar at a Lake Oswego middle school.   Though two helicopters were called to the scene, perhaps to try and see if it was a flying cougar, they never found one.

 

  • In 2011, no cougars were caught running into an elevator, pushing all of the buttons, and then running out again.

 

  • There are likewise no reports of this from 1900 – 2010.

 

  • In Oregon, when it rains, cougars are likely to get wet.

 

  • No Oregon citizen has ever reported a cougar stealing an infant’s breath as it sleeps in its cradle.

 

  • No cisgendered heterosexual female in Oregon has ever played twister with a cougar.

 

  • You are not going to be eaten by a cougar.

 

  • Cougars are 100% most likely the second coolest animal in Oregon.

 

 

 

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One thought on “100% True Facts about Cougars

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