Ask a 1967-1971 Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton in the 1970s

 

Hello and welcome to our new advice column, where we take your tricky relationship love problems, hand them over to the wisdom of 1967-1971 Dolly Parton, and let her turn your sour pickles into filling sunshine dew drops that taste like mountain apple candy and hydrate your dry-skinned soul.  Yum!

 

Enough dilly dallying, let’s have our first question!

 

 

Dear 1967-1971 Dolly Parton,

 

Hi there!  Long time listener, first time caller.  My life is great and I am so happy spending a lot of time refurbishing old shelving, working in an assembly line (great job!) and looking at my turtle.  Boy does he move his mouth around a lot!  There’s just this one problem.  My husband is an AMAZING man.  He’s an unlicensed tattoo artist and everybody used to disapprove of him but he is so charming when he gets drunk so it’s so great, he is AMAZING and I LOVE HIM.  There’s this one thing though that boils my bones.  He is ALWAYS going on these fishing trips, and I’m like, hey, I like fishing, can I come?  And he’s like, “oh, not that kind of fishing,” and I’m like “whoa what?!” and he’s like “What I didn’t say anything I’m going fishing SEE YA.”  Did he even bring his tackle basket?  Why doesn’t he ever bring any FISH home?  Why is he fishing at 11pm at night?  I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure all the fish are in fish bed by then dreaming fish dreams.  Should I find a witch and have her turn me into a water-breathing river dragon, or some kind of mermaid ? I mean, that’s sick, right?  Geez!  What’s really happening?  Do bass use feminine face products to color their faces?  What should I do, Dolly Parton 1967 – 1971?!?!?!

Signed,

Water Wings of Love

 

DEAR WWOL,

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